Just tried to put the milk in the cabinet where I got my cup instead of back in the fridge.

True story my friends.

Time to take a hot shower and go to bed.

I have discovered the source of my anxiety, sadness, and lack of feeling over the past week. My body and mind were trying to tell me something. My sister reminded me of this today.

Tomorrow would have been the due date for the baby I miscarried.

Tomorrow I could have been a mom.

That is a hard thing to wrap my mind around. Through all the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through since my miscarriage, I have come full circle.

I want a baby more than anything in this world. Getting my period each month is becoming the most painful and heartbreaking thing. I never knew I could want something so badly and feel as though I’ll never get it.

I know God has a plan and I need to wait on His time. I’m working on patience because it has NEVER been one of my strong points.

I have to remind myself this on a daily basis. I just can’t believe that the baby I carried in my belly and that left faster than it came could have been born tomorrow.

Would it have been a boy or a girl? What name would we have given them? Would they have been healthy? We will never know.

I just pray that someday I will get to experience that feeling and that I will never forget the one that left too soon.

I’m completely heartbroken. A very dear soul to me passed away today. It left me speechless.

Yet I can’t cry.

Do you know how horrible that makes me feel? My heart is literally aching so badly but the tears won’t come. I think it reverts back to my previous post. I’m not allowing myself to think about it and TRULY process what occurred.

But why?? I don’t know.

It’s definitely not normal and not something I’m proud of. I just don’t want to bother people with my sadness, negativity, and problems so I still quiet and keep myself busy.

Stupid. It’s just plain stupid of me. I know this already. (you don’t have to remind me).

All I can do is try to be better and keep my head up.

Thanks for reading. (assuming you made it to the end.) haha

I have a lot on my mind tonight. I finally realized that I have been trying to stay busy to avoid thinking about things. Why is it so hard for us to take the time to actually think about the things that worry us, upset us, make us scared or mad? Instead we run, stay busy doing other things, put on a mask or front.

For me, it’s because I don’t want to take the time to actually cry about it all. (which is probably all I need to do and I’d be fine) this is because I have a husband who would actually notice my tears and want me to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to process everything in my own mind and cry for a damn minute!

I haven’t actually posted anything in a while and I think it’s because I didn’t think I had anything to say. Instead it’s more likely that I have a lot to say but am confused and don’t know where to start.

Why must we as humans be so damn confusing???